Why Cabbage Is The Most Hedonistic Vegetable

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I gotta admit, folks. When I was a kid, I hated cabbage. I hated the taste of it, I hated the smell of it and I especially hated the texture of boiled cabbage. It simply fell in that category of “rabbit food” which I used to consider unfit for human consumption. But as I’ve grown older and hopefully wiser, I’ve come to recognise that cabbage may be the most hedonic vegetable out there, capable of bringing great and threefold pleasure from a single meal. Let us, therefore, enumerate these pleasures. 

1. The Delectable Defilement

Now, as I mentioned, I did not care much for the taste, smell or texture of cabbage when I was younger. Turns out that I still don’t even in my older age. Yes, the senses of smell and taste do get weaker with age and are especially strong in children (which is why they’re picky eaters), but some vegetables, such as broccoli, cauliflower and yes, even cabbage, are simply too vile to consume. Too vile, that is, unless you know how to prepare them properly. 

See, Lady Cabbage will not give her love so easily. She has to be courted and finessed, by which I mean she needs to be dunked in saltwater and kept there for six months. She will emerge as the fierce and sharp-tasting Frau Sauerkraut, but still she is not to be taken, lest you have a stomach for sour cabbage. Further treatment is necessary. She must be boiled, for at least an hour, and then baked in an oven, preferably accompanied by some sort of pork. Personally, I like sticking pork ribs or tomahawk pork chops on top. Indeed, this dish has been my primary source of vitamin C during my winter keto sessions. When she emerges, she should be well-browned and even a little crispy. What was once shy and retiring Lady Cabbage, green and rough has reached the full flower of womanhood, ready to be ravished. Bon appétit. 

2. The Party in Your Pants

I bet you didn’t know this, but boiled cabbage is one of the better testosterone boosters out there.  When your body digests cabbage, it produces the highest amount of diindolymethane of the digestion of any vegetable. Diindolymethane prevents the conversion of oestrogen to testosterone  and is thus beneficial to your t-levels. It’s also good for women, particularly in the prevention or even treatment of breast cancer, which is a result of oestrogen-testosterone imbalances which modern women suffer due to unhealthy lifestyles. I’ve heard this said about cruciferous vegetables in general, but I find all the rest of them truly revolting and completely irredeemable, unlike ravishing Lady Cabbage. In any case, like clockwork, every time I eat cabbage, especially boiled cabbage, about 20 minutes after the meal I get one of those big, bulging boners that simply will not go away, no matter how much I try to think of Barbra Streisand’s hairy armpits. 


Well, there’s only one thing for it fellas. You’ll need a woman, of course, unless you’re the rare kind of gentleman who’s remained hand-o-sexual long after he’s learned to prepare masterful ribs on sauerkraut. In that case, I refer you to any number of advisory texts on this very website which deal with the lost art of womanizing. 

3. The Exquisite Evacuation 

Ah yes, diin… dudin… urm… dindu meth. Yeah, that’s good stuff. But you know what else is found abundantly in cabbage? Fibre! Yes, that means that you’ll soon find yourself merrily voiding your bowels in a prompt and complete manner. Fill up that bowl, gentlemen. Keep things Aryan by getting a German toilet, the one with an inspection shelf and trust me, you’ll have many fulfilling hours observing the quality of the doo-doo you’ve produced. Bonus points, no splash! Cabbage-heavy meals tend to produce precisely the kind of non-sticky, almost no-wipe logs that we wish were the product of all our defecations. No use pretending to turn your nose up, I know just how much you enjoy squeezing out a few growling bad boys. I’d call you a sick bastard, but we’re all poopers here, so there’s no judgement. Enjoy the sensation of exquisitely evacuated innards. 

So, now you’ve had a hearty lunch, a roll in the hay and even taken a massive shit. What else is there to do? Doesn’t really matter, the rest of the day is your oyster, my friend. You’ve reached the perfect hedonic trifecta of gluttony, lust and whatever sin is involved in enjoying taking a dump a little too much (my money is on pride). You could go for a walk. You could go drinking with friends. You can even do like my grandpa used to do after lunch and take a siesta. Hey, he lived to be 90 years old, so I’m sure he knew what he was doing. But as you go on your merry way, remember Lady Cabbage and the perfect day of hedonistic pleasure she gave you. Perhaps you’ll let her into your plate again. 

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