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Skydiving When You’re Afraid of Heights

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The back of the plane opened up to the world below. I could see some roads, farms and the Great Lakes. It was a beautiful sunny day with fluffy clouds scattered throughout the sky. I sat on a bench in the aircraft with sweaty hands and shaking knees. Fear gripped my guts in a vice. It was time to go skydiving and I was deathly afraid of heights.

I had only finished my basic Paratrooper course three months ago and now I was already on my Military Freefall Parachutist course. I was still terrified of heights. The only reason I had made it through basic Para was due to the fact that a buddy I went through battle school with had passed before me. I knew I was tougher than him. I kept telling myself, “If he can make it through this than so can I.” His name became a curse word in my mind and I pushed myself out the doors of the plane with pure spite. I was nauseous every time I had to jump and at the time we were only doing static-line-mass-exit. The herd of men pushing to the open doors the plane also helped motivate me to throw myself out. 

On basic para it was strange to step towards the door as you watched other men get ripped away from the CC-130 Hercules as soon as they took the tiny jump out. But I had learned to just keep following the man in front of me and to do exactly as I was told. I forced myself to trust the instructors blindly despite my overwhelming fear.

Now on this freefall course, the heights were dizzying. We had been given a crash course on skydiving the day before and now it was time to prove that we could jump. The army didn’t want to invest in training men who couldn’t willingly leap into the unknown. This was the shit test and if you passed you would have six weeks of professional skydive training. It would have been awesome if I wasn’t petrified of heights. 

The first man to jump was a decorated sniper who was in the Special Operations regiment. He had many confirmed kills at distances of 1800 meters in Afghanistan. I was just a 20 year old kid who had been in the army for a year and a half. He stood at the back of the plane with an instructor by his side to help guide him. But the jump was up to him; he needed to initiate the movement. The light turned green and he froze. Then his right knee began to shake wildly. He stood there for about thirty seconds and then had to sit back down on the bench next to me. His face was paper white and he looked like he was going to pass out. 

The Jump Master turned to me and said, “You’re next!”. I stood only to feel my guts drop to the floor. My hands were ice cold and my heart beat like a rabbit before slaughter. My instructor stood next to me and nodded. I stepped to the edge of the ramp and looked down. It didn’t even look real. 

The light turned green and the Jump Master screamed go. In that split second a mantra was born. I thought to myself; I’d rather die a fool than live a coward. The shame and embarrassment would be a fate worse than death for me. This was my chance to take action and conquer the thing I was most scared of; falling to my death. So, I jumped. 

That jump is extremely foggy in my mind. The only reason I know it was successful was; 1) I’m still alive and 2) the instructors all wore go-pros so we could see what we did later. I accomplished all the checks and drills we were supposed to do, despite not really being in my body at that time. I also landed on target even though I tripped and fell instead of walking out nicely. 

The adrenaline rush I got once I was safely on the ground is something I have never experienced in my life since. I felt as if I had spat in the face of death and lived to talk about it. I became obsessed with murdering my fear of heights. If I could do this; what else could I do?

I feel that collectively, white nationalists, the radical right, or whatever we call ourselves; we are standing on the edge of the ramp looking down. We know what we have to do, we are aware of the work ahead of us but we are afraid. This could all go terribly wrong. We could die socially, financially and possibly go extinct as a race despite our best efforts. The heights from which we must fall in order to start again are terrifying. 

We must reach a place in each of our hearts where we say, “I’d rather die a fool than live a coward!”  We must become ready to risk everything for a better future. We know that things could be so much better. We know that life could be filled with hope and purpose if we just throw ourselves into the cause. 

Now, I am not advocating doxxing ourselves or anything dangerous. But I am advocating for us to banish fear, depression and most of all; inactivity. We must collectivise and take action. Building community and networking. This in conjunction with seeking wealth, power and influence. We must enact our will on the world, stepping into the unknown. Inaction is the death of the soul. Cowardice will lead to self hatred which I believe is the worst sin of all. If you love your folk, you must love yourself for you are them and they are you. It is only out of self respect and eventually love of your self that you can be any use to your folk. Abundance of the heart is what creates undying motivation.

Fear has it’s place. It is the weight we must lift in order for use to become stronger. I continued to be afraid of heights until I had accomplished somewhere around forty or fifty jumps. But when I no longer felt fear and instead was filled with excitement; I couldn’t stop jumping out of planes. I became a hobby skydiver outside of the military as well. I had shown myself that all things were possible. 

Once we start taking enough collective action; the momentum will build. If we refuse to be disappointed or defeated and, instead, carry a spirit of pleasant rebellion; we will move all the mountains in our way. 

The heavier the weight to be lifted, the stronger the man can become. We live in a time with the heaviest of weights, so let’s spit on our hands and get to work. We know that dark days are ahead. We’ve suffered defeats and we will suffer more; but we must always remind ourselves that we would rather die as fools for the cause than live as cowards. 

And make no mistake; our cause is not foolish. It is the highest and noblest of causes as nature had placed in all species the desire to exist and thrive. But we must we willing to try any and all things, some being foolish, to push towards the goal of a Europe for Europeans.  

Think about what actions you can take each day to move things into a better direction. What could you do for yourself and your folk to create more abundance and make life worth living? What kind of tasks are you putting off due to fear? 

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