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Ben Franklin’s 8 Reasons to Bang MILFs

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What’s the first thing that pops into your mind when you think of Ben Franklin? For most people, it’s the lightning thing, the $100 bill or that whole American liberty thing. Once I was banging this chick from some Eastern Euro alcoholic nation who loved watching the cartoon of Ben Franklin where the little mouse helps him invent the Franklin stove. I know, weirdos are out there. Little do we know that “MILF hunter” is among the many feathers in old Ben’s hat. Here we reproduce “Advice to a Friend on Choosing a Mistress“, written in 1745. In the letter, Ben Franklin exhorts his young friend, who has a bad case of the hornt, to marry and reproduce if he wants to be sexually satisfied. Quoth the portly sage:

My dear Friend,
I know of no Medicine fit to diminish the violent natural Inclinations you mention; and if I did, I think I should not communicate it to you. Marriage is the proper Remedy. It is the most natural State of Man, and therefore the State in which you are most likely to find solid Happiness. Your Reasons against entring into it at present, appear to me not well-founded. The circumstantial Advantages you have in View by postponing it, are not only uncertain, but they are small in comparison with that of the Thing itself, the being married and settled. It is the Man and Woman united that make the compleat human Being. Separate, she wants his Force of Body and Strength of Reason; he, her Softness, Sensibility and acute Discernment. Together they are more likely to succeed in the World. A single Man has not nearly the Value he would have in that State of Union. He is an incomplete Animal. He resembles the odd Half of a Pair of Scissors. If you get a prudent healthy Wife, your Industry in your Profession, with her good Œconomy, will be a Fortune sufficient.

Sounds very smart and wholesome and not altogether bad advice for a young man. If you’re horny all the time, you need a wife to have sex with because it’s just so much cheaper and easier than trying to score a different chick every time you get the urge. But Ben Franklin knew his young friend all too well, which is why he continues:

But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones.

Whoa, there, Benny boy.

You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. They are these:

1. Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor’d with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreable.

This is certainly true. It is sad to say, but the flower of womanhood these days is sadly too consumed with tiktok, pinterest and other Chinese intelligence ops to hold a conversation. If you’re the kind of man who’d like to find other uses for a woman after banging them, engaging conversation is definitely better found among the MILF population.

2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.

What old Benny boy is describing here is something which is known to game adepts as dread game. If a woman, for whatever reason, dreads being dumped, she’ll endeavour to be a better companion in all ways, be more loyal and cater to more of the man’s needs. Older women come with a degree of dread baked into them due to the physical realities of age making them less attractive than younger women. Of course, this dread game can be leveraged to shift some of the burden from your mom and obtain those delicious MILF gf tendies.


3. Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc’d may be attended with much Inconvenience.

You may think that this piece of advice from old Ben Franklin is a bit dated, and to be fair, he was writing at a time when contraception consisted of sending the lady to the country so she could give birth in secret and then raising the ensuing bastard as a younger brother or sister, but there’s wisdom to be found still for the discerning cad. All of you fans of nutting inside and sufferers of dick claustrophobia will be pleased to know that you can safely spill your seed inside a MILF without fear or contributing to the epidemic of fatherlessness and she doesn’t even need to be mindfucked by the pill.

4. Because thro’ more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclin’d to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.

Self-explanatory, really. Older women are better at keeping secrets. If for whatever reason you find it necessary to keep your affair secret, MILFs will not only be more experienced at secret activities, but they’re also less likely to cause drama out of spite or to attract attention than younger women. Something to do with the passions cooling as people age, I’d wager, though be warned that the infantilisation of the mind is also present in older women of today. Here we also get very good sage advice against a man ruining his health and fortune with mercenary prostitutes, a category which sadly includes a lot more modern women than merely professional ladies of the night.

5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.

a lady with a basket over her head

Uh… Well, you heard it here first, folks. Benjamin Franklin was a basket fetishist and to be perfectly frank, I’m tempted to try this myself. Naturally, sometimes you have to go out banging butterfaces so a pro never leaves the house without a paper bag, but the Founding Fathers were just on another level. No wonder these absolute chads built the greatest country on Earth. It’s so weird, we even took the time to commission a drawing and perverted though our in-house artist at Radical Dose may be, even he had trouble visualising the Philadelphia Basket Spread. Oh, and by the way, basket weavers, your ad goes here.

6. Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy.

It’s just a fact of life that whenever you bang a virgin or low bodycount girl, you’re making things more difficult for the men who come after you, as well as for whoever ultimately marries her. Now, this may not matter to you, but in the case it does and you care about solidarity among men, it may be a better idea to restrict your debaucheries to MILFs, women who are for lack of a better word, already spent in a reproductive sense and can only function as sexual objects and companions, but no longer as birthing mothers. Whether she’s divorced, cheating on her husband or never married, you can no longer take away anything from her or other men, at least in the sexual and reproductive sense.

Now, there is an argument to be made that younger women are gonna fuck strangers anyway, so it may be you who’s doing the fucking and I’ll certainly agree that this is a valid position. Just be aware that at some point, we’re gonna have to start thinking beyond just the ends of our dicks and about collective action as men.

7. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy.

Does not really apply if you’re truly ZFG, but let’s face it, you’re probably not. Even if you’re a grade-a asshole who’s left a wake of bitter ex girlfriends behind you, as long as you’re reasonably handsome and confident, there’s no degree of assholeism that a horny MILF won’t tolerate in exchange for a young man’s attention and time. And let’s face it, it feels good to make people happy, even women.

8[thly and Lastly] They are so grateful!!

The master crowns his deed with the masterstroke tying it all together. Dread game, making old women happy, the sin being less, even the basket fetish, it all ties into this. An older woman is like a city in decline. She knows her best days are probably behind her, but she still has a ways to go before she has to report to the big kitchen in the sky. Anything that makes her feel wanted and kinda, sorta young again is a miracle, and when you work miracles on women, expect miraculous adoration in return. MILF gf tendies are just the beginning.

Dirty Ben Franklin concludes his letter to his friend advising him nevertheless to marry and reproduce, and as we’ve said, this is sound advice in of itself. Alas, human nature is what it is and even within the confines of marriage, men and women still let their private parts go yonder – and thank God for that, else the supply of MILFs on the market will be limited to the unmarriable shrews and shrill divorcees. Consider yourself thus blessed by America’s roundest founding father and notorious womanizer Benjamin Franklin to go forth and engage in lustful adventures with older women. Or, you can take his other piece of advice and get married, thus attaining the Natural State of Man.

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Well written! Chadwick the Chad has packed this article with sharp, cutting phrases. Ben Franklin’s advice here would be invaluable for a young man of that era who is suffering from a lack of intimacy.

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