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7 Reasons why America is the Greatest Country in the World

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Let’s start by first saying happy Independence Day to all Americans. Wave your flag, pop your fireworks, do whatever, you’ve earned it. It’s our country’s birthday and we’re gonna have a celebration. Sadly, not everyone is happy with America these days. You keep hearing some vicious slanders like “death to America”, “America is the great Satan” or shit like that even from ostensible patriots. Ten years ago, only terrorists and terrorist sympathizers used to say shit like that, but times have changed. No fear. Chadwick is here to tell you all the reasons America is the greatest country in the world.

1. Guns, Guns, GUNS!

America is the greatest country in the world because it is the only country in the world where gun ownership is considered a fundamental right of the population. Sure, there’s guns in other countries and you get people like the Swiss who’re just as armed, but I don’t see guns in the Swiss constitution. Guns for hunting, guns for self and home defense, guns for sport, guns for forming a well-regulated militia necessary for the security of a free state. A lot of America haters out there will hate on guns in particular, saying they don’t preserve our freedom, but they’re absolutely wrong. Personally, I own a musket for home defense because that’s what the founding fathers intended. I also own a powdered wig, but that’s for sex purposes. Mrs. Chadwick is a strange woman.

“What the devil?” – as I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle.

2. The Pioneer Spirit

The history of the white race is the history of young guys full of piss and vinegar getting sick of putting up with everyone’s shit and saying “that’s it, I’m gonna fuck off to the wilderness and live like a wild man.” Look it up, they’re called Koryos or wolf people or whatever. Back during the Norse era, it was Vikings. In the modern era, it was American frontiersmen, trappers, cowboys, settlers and gunslingers who were sick of the iniquities of civilization and made their own life, as they saw it fit. They braved danger and death just so they could be free. That’s another reason why America is the greatest country in the world. Up until recently, you could just pick up and go live innawoods. You could even say that most of America’s current problems came about because we ran out of frontier. But the spirit is still with us and will never die.

Pro-tip. Never ask image-generator AIs for gun blueprints.

3. Our Diversity is our Strength

“What the fuck, Chadwick?” I know, I know, hear me the fuck out. Before America’s unfortunate emniggerment, we were still a diverse country of different people. White people, I might add, each group of different stock and living in a different environment. The great thing about America is that even if you don’t like any one place, you can always go to another and it’s still America. Wanna live in a gritty urban area? Take your pick, the entire eastern seaboard is like that. More genteel setting (more white people) your thing? Inland New England or Seattle/Portland may be for you. Do you like redwood forests and mountains? Pacific Northwest. Mild, year-round summer? Southern California. Dry as bone desert where man’s existence is a direct defiance of God’s laws? Nevada and Arizona should do just fine. Insane locals and humidity? Florida. Obese but friendly locals and humidity? Mississippi. Insufferably arrogant locals and good food? Maryland. Sweden without Somalis? Twin Cities… well, until recently. With so many Americas to choose from, you should get started right now if you want to see them all.

4. Being American Makes You Sexy

If you have a US passport and you’re not physically in America, you are an instant babe magnet. Chadwick spent many years perfecting his game, but once I took to travelling around the world, it turned out all I had to do was say “I’m American” and the hoes would instantly swarm me, to the point where I had to beat them off with a stick (they wouldn’t let me take my musket on the plane). If you needed even more proof that America is the greatest country in the world, then do a little experiment. Take your American passport, go anywhere that is not America (Canada doesn’t count) and hang around women. Report your findings through the contact form. Be forewarned, though, love and hate are two sides of the same coin, so being American will also inspire a lot of hate. That’s ok, though. Chadwick enjoys hearing the enemies of America seethe.

OMV to impregnate half the globe. Yee haw.

5. We Lead the World in Racism

According to no other than the Russian Ministry of Foreign Affairs, America is a racist and violent country, we have systemic racism and police misconduct, we abuse our minorities, oppress journalists and we own too many heckin’ guns. I’d share more details, but their shitty commie website wouldn’t open. My first response to those allegations would be if fucking only. If I’m being honest with you gentlemen, even though America is the greatest country in the world, we could definitely be more racist, more violent, have even more George Floyd type situations and abuse minorities even more. The thing about being the greatest is to never forget that there’s always room for improvement. Did you know that the US invasion and subsequent occupation of Iraq led to 1 million Iraqi deaths? The 2003 population of Iraq was 27 million. Those are rookie numbers. Next time, we aim for at least 5 million.

6. Our Leaders are Retarded, but we’re still #1

Lately, there have been some doubts about American leadership. People saw the shitshow of the presidential debate between Trump and Biden and they’ve concluded that this country is fucked because the debate was no joke, two boomer methuselahs arguing about their golf handicaps. However, Chadwick is here to reassure you. America’s so-called poor leadership is a flex on other countries. Our past 6 presidents have been: a washed up B-list actor with alzheimer’s, a glow in the dark criminal nigger, a hick coomer with matzo fever, a literal retard, a gay nigger, an anthropomorphic cheeto and a senile old coot. And, so? We’re still number one. Despite the abysmal quality of leadership, America is still the greatest country on earth. Our retarded presidents are like a peacock’s tail, displaying to potential mates that we’re so tough, that we’re still the toughest bird out there, even with this massive handicap.

Chadwick’s favorite President and not just because of the 1994 crime bill.

7. We have Ohio

Some of you younger chadlings may not remember, but there used to be an old tv show where a gentleman of african persuasion would mod cars. Well, long story short it led to a meme where “we heard you like x so we put an x in your x”. Or we can just show it to you.

You had to be there.

It is Chadwick’s learned opinion that the America in your America is Ohio. It is truly the greatest of the US states and the most American. We have the best climate, with four very distinct seasons you can enjoy throughout the year. You don’t really get that in all places. It’s affordable and right in the center of America, so we can always go visit the other, lesser Americas. Some of America’s greatest heroes and pioneers in aeronautics and space are Ohioans. The Wright brothers are Ohioans. We have many different architectural styles, and because of the German and old English roots of the settler population, we get small towns which are basically time capsules of ages past. You can always get a job in Ohio, or start your own business. It’s simply the land of opportunity. What America is to the world, Ohio is to America. Also, we’re still lowkey segregated here, so we don’t really have to suffer the blacks (unless you drive them). Truly the jewel of our great nation.

Proud to be an American

So, don’t let the seething masses fool you, chadlings. America is the greatest country in the world. We’re getting a bit long in the tooth and all empires must eventually crumble into dust, but we still have fight left in us. Enjoy your rights and freedoms, enjoy your world-conquering spirit and culture and enjoy Ohio. We are Americans, this is the day of our independence and we will celebrate our Americanness loudly and proudly, regardless of what anyone says. Fuck yeah!

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