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5 Reasons Why You Should Carry a Cane

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Gentlemen used to never leave the house without their canes, however it’d seem that canes have fallen out of fashion in the past century or so. This is, of course, one of the many iniquities and tragedies of our degenerate modern age, seeing as how the carrying of a fine walking implement brings many boons to the wearer, both in form and function. Therefore, I invite you to hear my case for why Western men should return to the practice of carrying canes with them on their walks.

1. It makes you look classy

The easiest way to “dress up”, which is to say appear more formal or upscale than your outfit would normally allow is to adopt mannerisms and accessories characteristic of earlier ages. Our age is sadly very informal and very rude. By appropriating the behaviours and paraphernalia of ages past, we have a very quick way of evoking that old-timey charm, whether of the Victorian or Southern gentleman strutting along cobble-stoned streets, the very model of a good breeding and manners. Just as a good beard instantly makes a man appear more authoritative and masculine, so does a good cane make him appear cultured and sophisticated.

2. It can be a source of endless entertainment

Before the invention of smartphones, people had to pass the time in all sorts of different ways when they were just standing around. Personally, I used to enjoy people-watching and still do. However, when I carry my cane outside, I mostly entertain myself by twirling it with one hand. Most of the time I twirl my cane with my right hand, which is my dominant one, but when I am in the mood for a challenge, I also go for left-handed twirls. Of course, if I really want to show off and convince my neighbours that yes, Jeelvy from the Block is an absolute madman, I twirl my cane while marching in the middle of the street in the manner suggestive of a majorette. Now, I’ve heard that some more rakish gentlemen also use their canes to surreptitiously trip deserving passers-by, but I would never do that and neither should you (though it sounds very fun).

3. It feels good to have a cane in your hand

I believe there is no need to explain the joys of possessing a stick to the gentlemen in the audience. However, for the ladies, here’s a brief breakdown. Us men have a primal need to hold objects resembling ancestral weapons in our hands, especially when we’re on the move. The absence of such objects causes us great discomfort, whereas their acquisition causes us great joy. Here’s a meme to that effect:

I will consider the matter thus explained, at least for the purposes here. Now, what is a walking cane but a stick with refinement and class added to it? Great-great (x1000) grandpa Grug’s club lives once again in our hands, elegant and civilised, though no less satisfying to hold nor less capable of violence. Which leads us to:

4. It can serve as an emergency self-defence weapon

Yes, yes, Americans in chat calm down, I know that guns are the best option for self-defence. However, barring those, you should always be ready to defend yourself, your land, your people, your womenfolk and your honour from ruffians on the street. Now, some of you fellas might practice martial arts and so do I. But in the words of my old coach, rule 1 of street fighting is “find a weapon.” If there are no real weapons around, find an improvised one, such as a stick or a stone. Now, recall how in the previous paragraph we mentioned that the cane is just a fancy stick?

Unlike some of the sticks that you’ll find in the wild, canes are usually well balanced and have a good grip. Any rapscallion who tries to menace you can be beaten back or chased away in a prompt fashion. For maximum effect, practice attacking with your cane in different ways, from classic baseball bat style swings to the indispensable short, straight jabs. See if you can use it as a fist extender or reinforcer in classic boxing moves or grasp it with both hands and poke at your attacker as if it were a spear.

Naturally, as with most security measures, the greatest benefit comes from deterrence. The very fact that you’re walking around with a cane might deter potential attackers, lest they find their faces marked scarlet by a length of hickory.

5. You can pretend to be handicapped if it suits your purposes

This last paragraph is for all of you unscrupulous heels in chat. Honourable gentlemen who’d never tell a lie nor exploit the kindness of others should turn away. There’s nothing here for you.

Now that the boy-scouts are out of the room, let me tell you, fellow rakes, about a lifehack I discovered in my younger days. I was once waiting in line at some government office or other. It was a scalding hot day in the middle of summer and the room was full of old women likewise waiting in line. Impatient and annoyed, I began wheezing and pretending to breathe from an asthma inhaler, so the old ladies let me jump the queue. I quickly finished my business and got out before anyone figured out I’m not actually asthmatic. It was risky – I had to pretend that my cigarette lighter was an asthma inhaler. Had I known then what I know now, I would have brought my cane and pretended to be crippled.

Is it deceptive? Yes. Is it effective? Also yes. It’s a dog eat dog world out there. However, some people still have compassion in their hearts for lame dogs. You can tactically pretend to be one with the assistance of your loyal wingman – the distinguished gentleman’s cane.

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Excellent little article that reflects my own thoughts about the cane. Loved it.

🙂

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