4 Roles You Can Play to Score Babes if You’re Fat

Listen to this article

Are you a fatass? Do you answer to Fatty McButterpants? When your pager goes off, do people assume that you’re going in reverse? What’s a pager, you ask? It was a 90s thing, you had to be there. But back to the subject at hand, if you’re one of those fat fucks, you may have noticed that scoring babes is tougher than for normal-sized men. Yes, land-bound blimps such as yourself seem destined to a life of involuntary celibacy with only your fat rolls to provide relief, or is it so? Fret not my humongous friend, your bro Chadwick is here to teach you a thing or two about game while fat. But first things first.

Shed the lard, tubby

Nothing in the following text should be considered an endorsement of fatness. You should stop being fat, like, right now. Nothing good can come out of being fat, not in the babe-scoring department, not in the health department, not in any department, except maybe the women’s studies department where they might give you an honorary doctorate. Thus, as Jesus said to the fat woman when he healed her of her fatness, “Go forth and be fat no more.” Look it up, it’s in the Bible.1 But while you’re de-larding yourself, you’ll still want to bang chicks and Chadwick knows from what his friends say that losing the weight may be a difficult and long process.
So here are 4 roles and archetypes you can lean into to score chicks while you’re still fat. As we know from meticulous research, women are drawn to men who embody power archetypes. All of the below are such archetypes, embodying different types of power. They’ve all been tested for success by Chadwick’s fat friends.

1. The Professor

babe-scoring archetype
Don’t forget your basket.

This one is especially effective if you’re in college or hang around college babes. College girls bang their professors, and it’s not just for the grades. Professors wield enormous power over students and are (or should be) imbued with great authority. In our modern era which worships “experts”, professors are worshipped not only as experts, but also as producers of experts. Professors also tend to have a lot of money and money is power. A professor can pass or fail a student, which is direct and literal power over that student’s future. Professors have incredible influence over former students as well and therefore all the institutions controlled by those former students. Women may not know these things directly, but their animal brains can pick up on the allure of power surrounding the professor and that’s why they willingly jump on his overeducated cock.

So, how do you steal a professor’s look and allure? Step one, grow a beard. Not one of those wimpy goatees or faggy stubble things, but a full beard. A professor is a modern-day wizard and a wizard’s no wizard without a beard. Keep it from getting too wild, though. Ideally, it gives extra shape and weight to your chin but doesn’t put you on Homeland Security’s Islamic terror watchlists. You also gotta grow out your hair and wear it messy. You’re a man of letters and intellect, so your appearance is secondary to you. Keep it short enough to not cover your ears, but long enough to flutter in the wind.

Next, you gotta think of clothing. If you’re professormaxxing, you can’t go wrong with a suit jacket over sweatervest combo. Add a bow tie for maximum effect. Since you’re a fat fuck, the sweatervest will stretch over your gut and protrude out of an unbuttoned jacket. This is a way to make your gut work for you by showing ZFG. You have to be mindful of which materials and cuts you use for the suit jacket, however. Avoid goombah cuts and shiny fibers and go for the WASP or English classics. Under no circumstances wear any polyester or other unnatural materials, which are just low class. The tweed jacket is the king of professormaxxing fashion.

Now you’ve got your outfit down, you gotta work on your mannerisms. You grew your beard, right? Now learn to stroke it while staring absent-mindedly in the middle distance. It makes you look sophisticated and intellectual. Another important aspect is the ability to affect the academic amusement of the stereotypical professor. He’s got a thirst for knowledge that can’t be sated and he loves discussion. These are good skills to have in a general sense as well, so invest time in acquiring them. Overall, wherever you are, you aren’t really there, you are lost in thought and thinking of more important things than whatever’s around you. It gives you an air of mystery and sets the woman’s rationalization hamster spinning by making her wonder what on earth is more important than her?

2. The Bluto

Unlike the professor, the Bluto is not a man of letters, but a man of muscle. We’ve named this archetype after the character in Popeye comic strips and cartoons who always menaces Olive Oyl and tries to cockblock Popeye. In those cartoons, Popeye is the hero and gets the girl, but real life is a little different. Ask any woman whom she’d prefer? Popeye, the short, squint-eyed, hunched-over, skinny, ugly thing with deformed forearms, or Captain Bluto, the large, black-bearded, deep-voiced captain who has an appetite for life and aggressively pursues his interests without regard to what anyone else says? Bluto is an absolute tower of a man who simply exudes confidence and power, and that is precisely what women look for in a man.

So how do you steal Bluto’s look and allure? Unlike with the professor, you can’t just dress like him. You need to actually work on yourself a little. Fortunately, it’s less effort than just shedding the lard. In order to be a Bluto and not just some generic fat guy, you need to work on your glam muscles, which is to say your biceps, triceps and traps. These are easy to develop, just curlmaxx for the biceps, do the shrugs (use dumbbells held sideways) for traps or any of this dangerous looking shit for the triceps. I usually do the dumbbell overhead extensions because I can do it with the stuff I have at home.

You’ll still need to dress in a certain way. Since the OG Bluto is a sea captain, you might want to go for naval-style shirts and hats. However, the archetype of Bluto is a broad one and any large, aggressive man in a position of authority can be Bluto. Tacticool style clothing is also a good idea, but as a general rule of thumb, dress like a man who has other men reporting to him. Oh, and grow a seadog beard, obviously.

As for mannerisms, you are large and in charge. The world and its skinny, oily bitches belong to you and no-one else. You must be prepared to be a bit of a bully and throw your weight around. Good thing you have so much of it, fatty.

The Sensualist

how to score babes if you're fat

Ok, so you’re a fat fuck. What does that tell us about you? It means you’re the kind of person who’s a slave to impulses and gives in to temptation. Well, that’s one way of looking at it. Another way to look at it is to say that you don’t let inhibitions get in the way of having a good time. You’ve freed yourself from these constraints and you’re free to experience a whole universe of carnal pleasure and indulgences. Women, as you may have noticed, are all about shedding the inhibitions and unleashing the beast within.

Since you’re a fat fuck, you’re perfectly poised to into this sensual, hedonistic archetype. You need to embody the shedding of inhibitions. Your very presence must exude so much manic and hedonistic energy that it encourages women to eat, drink, be merry and crucially, fuck.

With regard to fashion, you don’t need to wear anything in particular. This is more about attitude and behavior. Your attitude must communicate pleasure and ZFG about consequences. So, you’ll get fat, who cares? Let’s party! Women love having permission to pig out and indulge their nasty impulses, so if you embody that permission, that pleasure with no fucks given about consequences attitude, they’ll desire you as well.

This one is difficult to pull off because most people don’t naturally have that sort of manic energy. Furthermore, if you have this energy naturally, you probably don’t need to read about its power over women online. Nevertheless, you should try this role on for size, not only to score women, but also to influence other men and get them to follow you.

The Shrek

The Shrek is similar to Bluto in that he embodies strength, but unlike Bluto who is aggressive and authoritarian, Shrek is aloof and withdrawn. Bluto rules his ship and lesser men with an iron fist, but Shrek lives in a swamp and would rather be alone. If you wanna get technical about it, Bluto is an Alpha and Shrek is a Sigma. It’s a shame, really, that these terms have become cringe and useless. I remember back in the day that they used to mean things, damn it.

In order to be Shrek, you’ll need to look like Shrek. No, I don’t mean paint yourself green and put plungers on your head, as fun as that sounds. I mean you need to get at least some muscle to go with your lard. Refer to the workout section of The Bluto. Once again, you’ll need to follow the Holy Trinity of glam muscles: biceps, triceps, traps.

Next, you’ll need to dress like Shrek. Here, you need to go for natural or rural looking clothes. Use natural colors, lots of browns and natural greens, and maybe some rough-spun looking fabrics as well. You want to sell the idea that you live in a swamp and don’t need society. It might help if you actually live in a swamp or a similarly wild locale.

With regard to attitude, you’ll need to be gruff, aloof and direct. Remember, you’re an ogre, a force of nature and you have no time for puny human concerns. You must convey a degree of disinterest for the world of humans, but also hint enough of a soft center so that women can convince themselves they can change you.

A note of caution: all but one of my fat friends who’ve successfully pulled this attitude off have been British. I guess they have the genetic memories of their ancestors chilling in swamps going for them. Maybe it’s a culture thing. In any case, a good role to assume if you can pull it off and I expect you’ll be dragging princesses off to your swamp in no time.

Boosting Your Fat Chance

Ok, I get it, you struggle with your weight. It’s not pleasant to be fat. Believe me, brother, it’s not pleasant for us watching either. That doesn’t mean that your many folds of flesh should remain unloved. Sadly, I know a lot of guys who worry too much about being fat, but here’s a little secret from your buddy Chadwick: women date fat fucks all the time. It’s not even about money so much as about having game. Game is the deciding factor. You gotta learn to master yourself and soon after, you’ll master women.

You need to lose weight. Not to score chicks, because if you lack game, you won’t score chicks even if you lose the weight. You need to stop being fat for yourself. So, go forth and be fat no more. Join your local active club, or fuck it, make one. But in the meantime, use the wisdom we’ve learned here today to go slay as much puss as humanly possible. You might find, like one of my fat friends did, that women enjoy rubbing your enormous belly after sex.

  1. Independent fact checkers have confirmed that such an exchange does not appear in the Bible. It’d appear that Chadwick made it the fuck up, although this doesn’t necessarily mean that it didn’t happen. ↩︎

Post Author

Leave a comment

5 3 votes
Article Rating
Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x